another year, eh?

to Jess, my main ninja. 

 

it's your birthday today.
i'm not there. you're there. i'm here.

i don't know how to feel.

it's different. you're different. i miss you.

a lot has changed in the past year. you've grown up so much more and are moving on ahead. God is good and faithful and he has provided.

i'm angry because i don't have words. i haven't had any words for awhile now. it hurts and it hurts and it hurts because i want to say something good. i want to give you truth and pieces of something great. but i have nothing and nothing and nothing and nothing.

i'm sorry for that. i'm sorry.

lately i've been trying to be enough. but i never will be and that makes me angry. i'm sorry. i don't even need to be enough but i still try. He will always be enough. our God, our Master. but me?
not even c l o s e.

but i try and i fail and it hurts.

i have no words.

it's hard, it's different.
another thing to surrender.

happy birthday, you crazy ninja. let today be good. happy birthday.

yours truly
♥